A Parody Outline of History

A Parody Outline of History – Wherein May Be Found a Curiously Irreverent Treatment of American Historical Events, Imagining Them as They Would Be Narrated by America’s Most Characteristic Contemporary Authors

If Voltaire is correct, and “History is the Mississippi of Lies”, then it’s not too out of bounds to suggest that any writer can wreak their own havoc by re-imaginging the brief tales of history as told by popular authors of their day.

All is fair in love and war, afterall.

Particularly in parodies of great events, such as H. G. Wells’ “An Outline of History”.

Excerpt:

The Whisky Rebellion – In the Bedtime Story Manner of Thornton W. Burgess

“Just the DAY for a Whisky Rebellion,” said Aunt Polly and off she ran, lipperty-lipperty-lip, to get a few shooting rifles.

“Oh goody goody,” cried little Emily. “Now we can all shoot at those horrid Revenue Officers,” for the collectors of internal revenue were far from popular with these kindly Pennsylvania folk and Aunt Polly Pinkwood had often promised the children that if they were good some day they would be allowed to take a shot at a Revenue Officer.

“I bet I kill five Revenue Officers,” said little Edgar.

“Ha Ha Ha—you boaster, you,” laughed Aunt Polly. “You will be lucky if you kill two, for I fear they will be hard to find today.”

“Oh do you think so, Aunt Polly?” said little Elinor and she began to cry, for Elinor dearly loved to shoot.

“Hush dear,” said Miss Pinkwood with a kindly pat, for she loved her little charges and it hurt her to see them unhappy. “I was only joking. And now children I will tell you a story.”

“Oh goody goody,” cried they all. “Tell us a true story.”

“All right,” said Aunt Polly. “I shall tell you a true story,” and she began.

“Once there was a brave handsome man— and one day this brave handsome man was out making whisky and he had just sampled some when he looked up and what do you suppose he saw?”

“Snakes,” cried little Elmer whose father had often had delirium tremens, greatly to the delight of his children.

“No, Elmer,” said Miss Pinkwood, “not snakes.”

“Pink lizards,” cried little Esther, Elmer’s sister.

“No,” said Aunt Polly, with a hearty laugh, “he saw a—stranger. And what do you suppose the stranger had?”

“A snoot full,” chorused the Schultz twins. “He was pie-eyed.”

“No,” replied Miss Pinkwood laughing merrily. “It was before noon. Guess again children. What did the stranger have?”

“Blind staggers,” suggested little Faith whose mother had recently been adjudged insane.

“Come children,” replied Aunt Polly. “You are not very wide awake this morning. The stranger had a gun. And when the brave handsome man offered the stranger a drink what do you suppose the stranger said?”

“I know,” cried little Prudence eagerly. “He said, ‘Why yes I don’t care if I do.’ That’s what they all say.”

“No, Prudence,” replied Miss Pinkwood. “The stranger refused a drink.”

“Oh come now, Aunt Polly,” chorused the boys and girls. “You said you were going to tell us a true story.” And their little faces fell…

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